Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
