If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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