my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
