making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
