so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
