life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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