I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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