That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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