I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
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The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
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you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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