we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
