fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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