Christians are straight up FREAKS
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
