Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
