god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
