the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
