R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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