hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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