My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
