God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
