i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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