also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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