So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
