i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
