I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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