we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize