Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
