I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
