just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
