Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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