Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He passed out mid-signature
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
