So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
