the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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