i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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