She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
