I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
