I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
