pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
