my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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