Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
