i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
