Too much gin, very little bucket
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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