That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
