Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
