You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
