You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
