Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
