At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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