i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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