I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
