Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
