wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
