i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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