So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
