I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
