Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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