just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
