Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
