I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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