bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
FUCK WHALES
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