life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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