Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
