yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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